Monday, December 19, 2005

Aviophobia - A Disorder That Makes Me Grin Like an Idiot!

Have always wondered if it were a better idea to give the safety instructions for air travel outside at the Air Ticket booking counter. It doesn’t make much difference when they start the discourse when the plane is already taxying for take-off at an average speed that usually is fast enough to splatter humans on the ground like locusts on your speeding car’s windshield.

The stewardesses talk so mundanely as if it’s a common thing for a plane to dive into the sea or crash in mid-air. “When the air pressure drops, the over head oxygen masks will drop automatically which, you must grab in order to protect your nose and mouth while the rest of your body is burning at 6000 degrees Celsius, thankyou”

“The life vest is placed under your seat which, when the plane lands(??) on water, you must wear and pull the yellow knob to inflate” …..are they saying they have runways on water?? After landing, what then?? Are you supposed to bob in the ocean until the Rescue arrives or the Great Whites?? Have you heard of any commercial airlines making successful water landings??

I’d rather they said, “In the unlikely event of a crash, the pilot will distribute some crack to all on board to roll a joint, for those who don’t do drugs, booze will be administered intravenously”

“Hi, this is your captain Jeb speaking, Whatever Airlines welcome you on board Flight # 274 to …hey what’s that, GOD NO LOOKOUT., YYYEAAAARRRGGGHHHHH”

I don’t know if am crazy, but every time in the flight, am overcome with many possibilities of death. An average plane has about 5 million parts, most of which apparently are crucial and the average rate of mechanical things that can go wrong is about 1 in 1 million, which increases my chances by 5 times!
Am not the kind that suffer from airplane phobia, but what’s worse is, the casual acceptance that death will be sudden, painless and in large groups, makes me look like a sadist, ….am I?? Hell no, ask the others!

However, in mid-flights, especially in long hauls, when most co-passengers are dozing, there’s an eerie silence pervading the cabin that sounds like the prelude to mayhem. I’ve seen in movies. So in order to divert my attention, I come up with distractive comedy to amuse myself, ofcourse in my mind, thinking of various scenarios such as:

“This is flight 234, calling Bombay ATC, Do you hear?”
“This is who??….”
“Flight 234, do you read, come in Bby ATC”
“Do you know what time it is, asshole”

“Passengers are requested to put their seat belts on, bend forward, yeah, with one knee on top of the other and take a deep breath, now put your right hand into one loop of your folded leg on the opposite and the other hand likewise, tighten up, now, tell us where the friggin diamonds are”

“This is your captain speaking, looks like we have a problem with the right engine. We are trying to restart by shutting down all on-board systems, please do not open windows”


“This is a non-smoking flight, except of course, when things blow up”

“May day, May Day, This is Flight 745 calling ATC for help”
“This is LAX ATC, come in Flight 745”
“Well that’s the problem Lax, we aren’t coming in no more, dickheads!”

Guess am incorrigible!!!


Blogger SK said...

hehe...interesting posts

9:15 PM  
Blogger Hime said...

ha ha... I tend not to travel by air. ;)

12:42 AM  
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