Thursday, August 25, 2005

HR Dept - Motto: Hire. Fire. Conspire.

I work for a company that has an HR Dept, which is run by human sized weasels with brains the size of a molecule.

We are a mid size company specialized in making people fall off their chairs during working hours with rabid rules that is born faster than a dirty, perverted rodent out of a whole colony of randomly fornicating, naturally infidel, wall-munching, hole making, shoes nibbling, insolent bandicoots.
One such rule that has hit us lately is: “Do not use office emails to send and receive personal emails, all emails will be read by the HR before being delivered starting Aug’05”

If that doesn’t sound ludicrous to you, then you probably are a HR person yourself and are dabbling with similar ideas, which, in all probabilities will fetch you a big fat cheque, and by karmic laws, a 6mm bullet hole in your head.

The HR is turning out to be an epidemic, spreading out to all corporations of the world barking out their will in the form of company rules, such as, “Stop digging your nose, give me that booger!”

Similar draconian rules we are exposed to everyday are:

1. Half a day’s salary will be deducted even if you are a minute late.
2. “Don’t give me that excuse!”., “We’ll cut your salary, HAHAHA!”
3. Your Car / 2 wheeler will be checked before you leave because we frankly suspect you are scum.
4. Do not speak of other rival companies; it could cost you your job. Even thinking of it will cost you half a day’s salary.
5. Breaks during working hours: 11:15 to 11:30am / 1:15 to 1:45pm / 4:15 to 4:30pm only. Even a minute’s delay will entail half-a-day’s salary debit.
6. We will do everything to deduct tax from you promptly, we will also deduct a part of your salary every month to reimburse the same as your annual bonus – if you are lucky or if we are in the mood, then we may add 50% to the amount we deducted so far and remit to you as our sense of appreciation toward that limb you lost while working for us, and oh! We expect you to be happy, period!
7. Dog tags (aka ID), if not worn visibly on your person, will entail half-a-day’s salary, infact, we are even working on how to effectively prevent paying your salary at all.
8. “Mmmmyyyyyaaaahahhahahahaaaa……..
9. DON’T!!!!! (We’ll add more later)

If you think the above are mere exaggerations, I suggest you work here.
I have been breaking many rules all the time that I now come to work and pay back the company using my credit cards. I have run into a huge financial mess that I am seriously looking forward to a mail from the Nigerian gentleman who, seeks my help in parking his 30 million dollars that he inherited when his lover, also a Nigerian gentleman who was the dictator of Togo until he got killed by a bullet fired by an angry group of rebel water buffaloes that were fighting to revive democracy in the war-torn country.

Speaking of Togo, has anyone been there? If yes, why?
No, but seriously, you seen those water buffaloes? Will they shoot the HR guys??


Blogger Lehmunade said...

That is an interesting post. Esp the title.

Not all HRs need be that way, though - my company has a pretty decent one

6:53 AM  
Blogger Susheel Nair said...

Am sure not all HRs are the same, but the one what I'm referring to, is compost!
Anyways, the post is meant to invoke fun and not to be taken seriously. So have fun and visit again.
See you again sometime....

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Kerubino said...

I HATE leaving comments on blogs, but this was a brilliant post. Was terribly impressed. I will leave it at that.

12:10 PM  
Blogger Susheel Nair said...

Thanx a lot for the encouragement! Hope to see you around more often....

10:04 AM  
Blogger Cosmo GRRL! said...

Great post - and oh so true. Though I'd be careful when writing negatively about work - you could get dooced

9:09 PM  
Blogger Susheel Nair said...

Thanx fr the warning, cosmo! I might consider hiding this post shortly, unless the damage is arldy done.

Whatever happd to Freedom of Speech and Expression??!!

10:32 AM  
Blogger Scarlet Pimplefaced said...

Hey Mr. Nair good to hear an honest opinion abt HR. I got a job offer recently, the offer letter mentioned that the HR policy forbids the employees to join their competitors for 6 months after leaving job. I wonder which organisations other than the competitors would make job offers. I mean a bank manager cant quit his bank to become a production manager. Its silly and very unfair!!!!!!

9:51 PM  

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