Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Letter of Resignation

One of my friend called me a couple of days back and asked me to write a resignation letter for him. He works for an Apparel Company that procures orders from American and European labels and mass produces here in India. He was pretty pissed after having put 5 years of hard work and is terribly disgruntled in terms of self-gratification achieved. However, the resignation letter he asked me was not supposed to look anything like the one I wrote for him (below), instead, was to be a nicely worded polite, official one.

For those who are not familiar with the functions of Garment Export Industry, here’s a quick overview to better figure out certain technicalities mentioned in the letter.

Ø Buyers are clients or International labels that source garments from Asian countries and sell it in their markets, usually, the developed world for ludicrously high prices.
Ø Ship Cancel dates are dates by which an certain order quantity has to be put in a ship to sail out, failing which, the buyer will claim the goods in huge discounts that usually dries up all profits.
Ø Quality is closely scrutinized and borders around harassment leaving us too stressed out to meet deliveries, which usually is touch and go.
Ø Quality control guys are mercenaries who are trained to reject everything the 1st time around. In some countries, it is legal to kill them.

Letter of Resignation

Dear Whoever

This January 5th, I would have completed 5 years at this organization. I must mention right away that these 5 years has been glorious in terms of what was learnt and achieved and how far more educated I am from the day I started.

What I have learnt in this course of time will, no doubt help me deal with some extra ordinary types of assholes in the future company I might work for, there are also some pearls of wisdom that I cannot help but point out, such as:

Garment manufacturing is a glorified tailoring business.

No matter how hard you try, the jerks we call buyer and to whom we swore a lifelong servitude, is harder to please than a whore on discount.

The friggin series of matching - thread, color, fabric, buttons, zippers, vomit etc that we do so religiously everyday, only fuels the audacity to exercise their power to reject as though the end consumer will commit suicide if the buttons were fucking plastic or metal or made of cowdung and has the color of an octopus's fart!

If the shipment does not meet the agreed Ship Cancel Date, large communities of anxious consumers will shoot each other in mental delirium or die of starvation, that’s how Africa as we know it now, was born.

Having said the above, I must also add that my personal life is in shambles. There used to be times when I used to dream of beaches and semi nude bodies and wake up with a purpose. Now, I am a hopeless insomniac, a drunk, and dream of calendars with morbid dates circled in Red.

In hindsight, there is not much pride to take to my grave, and as I look forward, the promise is as good as 2 litres of pee in a punctured balloon. If you think am disillusioned and need a shrink, you are right, I am on my way to the asylum but not before I introduce you to a mad dog with herpes that specializes in biting off genitals.

Therefore, to preserve my fast depleting sanity and to restore LIFE into the days I live, I Quit.

Yours Truly

P.S: My friend liked it so much that he submitted this to his boss!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Aviophobia - A Disorder That Makes Me Grin Like an Idiot!

Have always wondered if it were a better idea to give the safety instructions for air travel outside at the Air Ticket booking counter. It doesn’t make much difference when they start the discourse when the plane is already taxying for take-off at an average speed that usually is fast enough to splatter humans on the ground like locusts on your speeding car’s windshield.

The stewardesses talk so mundanely as if it’s a common thing for a plane to dive into the sea or crash in mid-air. “When the air pressure drops, the over head oxygen masks will drop automatically which, you must grab in order to protect your nose and mouth while the rest of your body is burning at 6000 degrees Celsius, thankyou”

“The life vest is placed under your seat which, when the plane lands(??) on water, you must wear and pull the yellow knob to inflate” …..are they saying they have runways on water?? After landing, what then?? Are you supposed to bob in the ocean until the Rescue arrives or the Great Whites?? Have you heard of any commercial airlines making successful water landings??

I’d rather they said, “In the unlikely event of a crash, the pilot will distribute some crack to all on board to roll a joint, for those who don’t do drugs, booze will be administered intravenously”

“Hi, this is your captain Jeb speaking, Whatever Airlines welcome you on board Flight # 274 to …hey what’s that, GOD NO LOOKOUT., YYYEAAAARRRGGGHHHHH”

I don’t know if am crazy, but every time in the flight, am overcome with many possibilities of death. An average plane has about 5 million parts, most of which apparently are crucial and the average rate of mechanical things that can go wrong is about 1 in 1 million, which increases my chances by 5 times!
Am not the kind that suffer from airplane phobia, but what’s worse is, the casual acceptance that death will be sudden, painless and in large groups, makes me look like a sadist, ….am I?? Hell no, ask the others!

However, in mid-flights, especially in long hauls, when most co-passengers are dozing, there’s an eerie silence pervading the cabin that sounds like the prelude to mayhem. I’ve seen in movies. So in order to divert my attention, I come up with distractive comedy to amuse myself, ofcourse in my mind, thinking of various scenarios such as:

“This is flight 234, calling Bombay ATC, Do you hear?”
“This is who??….”
“Flight 234, do you read, come in Bby ATC”
“Do you know what time it is, asshole”

“Passengers are requested to put their seat belts on, bend forward, yeah, with one knee on top of the other and take a deep breath, now put your right hand into one loop of your folded leg on the opposite and the other hand likewise, tighten up, now, tell us where the friggin diamonds are”

“This is your captain speaking, looks like we have a problem with the right engine. We are trying to restart by shutting down all on-board systems, please do not open windows”


“This is a non-smoking flight, except of course, when things blow up”

“May day, May Day, This is Flight 745 calling ATC for help”
“This is LAX ATC, come in Flight 745”
“Well that’s the problem Lax, we aren’t coming in no more, dickheads!”

Guess am incorrigible!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2005

WTO - We Want Your Money (6th Round)

What’s the WTO meet trying to achieve?? Every year, many top dignitaries of member countries fix up a date, time, place, airline tickets and hotel rooms to meet up and unanimously agree the other is a whole country of shameless robbers and gravediggers.
There are 2 main groups that sit on either side of the divide, one that is highly industrialized and thus rich with sky rocketing employee benefits and social welfare that makes even the cost of a pretzel seem like that of a Rolls-Royce jet engine while the other can make near rolls-Royce jet engines at the cost of a Pretzel with labor benefits a little better than buying adequate amount of toilet paper for the whole family for a whole year.

They met in Singapore, in Doha, in Cancun, and now in Hong kong and each is called a round and this is the 6th round of ministerial level talks. After so many rounds of talks, many elderly members are already feeling dizzy and are ready to vomit on the microphone while delivering an important repartee.
They discuss important issues like, Why Indian Cobras lost their appetite for Brazilian Bull Frogs?? Will they eat Chinese frogs or Chinese farmers?? What tastes better? What’s for Europe in this?? Since English Europeans coined the words, Bull Frog, Cobra and Farmer, whatever whoever eats anywhere, should pay us patency taxes! Hahaha!

While leaders of Asian countries feverishly defend their interests by bunking the conference and lounging in topless massage parlors, drunk out of their skull, the Americans are looking for WMD. The EU wants a cut in every word traded in the Asian and South American markets, while the Americans want to push their biggest export commodity – The CIA, which is responsible for Poverty in Africa, Bad Weather and Saliva.

Amidst all this annual pre-planned chaos, comes the annual pre-planned protest. People from different walks of life join together well in advance to write catchy phrases on placards, denouncing the WTO which, according to them “are a bunch of weasels out to ruin us” These are the guardians of Social Justice and Equal Opportunity, taking off from their work, to relentlessly fight against global capitalist hegemony, breaking away from apathy and telling the world in resounding solidarity, “Beer Rocks!”

While the protest is the most colorful cultural event that the various TV crews capture while the boring meetings are underway, the whole world watches re-runs of the NBA, Cricket or King Kong.

3 wishes, Ribbit!

Three things I’d love to do atleast once in my life:

To give into the urge to deboard my train and get on the train in the opposite platform that goes back to my town, whenever I return from Kerala.
To drive off in a 4x4 on a rainy day to Kerala via Mysore, Bandipur, Wyanad, Chamarassery, Tirunelly, Mananthavady and enter Thalassery.
To call up my boss one fine morning and tell him am on my way driving to Goa and the report that was due from me will have to wait until I return. If he asks when I’d return, I’d say, “That depends….!”

As you can see, I have very simple desires to bring about happiness and a sense of great fulfillment, that am quite easy to be pleased, but when it actually comes down to doing it, reality opens its mouth like a crazy crocodile about to bite my head off.

Wish 1 is something that am very close to doing, perhaps in one of the few trips that’s coming up. Wish 2 however, is very doable and very much normal, but for the lack of a 4x4 SUV. Am working on it and will get atleast a 2nd hand very soon.Wish 3 is a totally different ball game altogether, its not like getting an SUV or whimsically doing a U-turn back into Kerala. This is like getting the crocodile open its mouth and placing my head into it. If I had a rich father, or a rich heirless uncle, I would have applied by now for a hundred jobs only to do this in the very 1st month. Nevertheless, I am working on this too!!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Mt.Rushmore - the world’s largest sculpted monument. The carved faces are so realistic…
…that we now finally figured who’s behind it!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

India is ours, says Blahistan!!!

This preposterous article appeared in the pages of PakTribune – a National English Daily of Pakistan by a half-baked journalist called Aftab, who apparently is also a Lawyer in a Pak High Court.

The piece titled, “Islamic Republic of India”, goes on to say that the name “India” rightfully belongs to the Pakistani Muslims and that we Indians, as wily as we are, stole it from them. He goes on with his ludicrous diatribe with fabricated history and a deliberate intent on malice inciting hatred. I must warn you however, that his tirade, which at many points, seem like the work of a trained primate, is winding, chaotic and at best, confusing.

What beats me however is, how a mainstream media entity such as the PakTribune stoop to his level of unworthiness to have this content published.
I usually do not post such write ups in this blogsite, but this begs attention to the fact that Pakistani readership might have degenerated to the point that they lap up any crap written by any dimwit so long as it is India-Bashing. Or was there any standard in the 1st place for degeneration. I hope I haven’t indulged in flattery?

Also the press blokes at PT has refused to publish my response which I quote below:

    1. I am truly amazed at a Pakistani mainstream media allowing a tout-journalist
      like Aftab 'the advocate' rattle off a ludicrous tirade. One can well judge the
      quality of the Pakistani print media and of course their Judiciary with a
      blatant lawyer cum fanatic waving his banter flag.

      I seriously couldn’t help laughing at this mediocrity and couldn’t but thank God more for
      being born as an Indian. On the other hand, it is people like him that give the
      biggest dimwit a source of hope that he has someone way behind his

      If the author wants to change his country's name by borrowing it from us., so be it. A donkey cannot turn into a Stallion by merely changing the name.

      I suggest Aftab visits India sometime to see for himself how our muslim brothers are doing here. I personally have a lot of muslim friends some of whom are doing better than I. I dont know how this might help dispel his doubts about Indian Muslim being persecuted in my country. But honestly, I couldn’t care less.

      Also, Mohd.Kaif, Irfan Pathan, Sania Mirza, Shah Rukh Khan, Salman Khan, MF Hussain, are but a very few famous muslim personalities I can point out right away who have excelled in their respective fields of excellence, and if by your account Muslims are not given
      equal opportunities here in my country, I dont see these people achieving such
      dizzy heights of mass adulations and enormous success.
      Talking of mass adulations, our present president, His Excellency Shri APJ Abdul Kalam inspires an entire generation of young and adult minds alike, the world over, sowing the
      seeds of prosperity, tolerance and universal brotherhood. This is the holy war
      you must inculcate in your younger generations and not spread dead bodies of
      potentially creative minds misguided in the name of religious revenge.

      Your vicious vitriol bespeaks your violent moorings and stunted worldview that will dangerously impede development and growth. If PakTribune wishes to be respected, it must refrain from letting space to such demented opinions that stoke the fire of hatred and insecurity.
      Finally, a few statistics that you might want to know before you embark on invading

      1. India has the second largest Military in the world, about 1.6 Million enrolled personnel
      and about half that in reserves.
      2. Our Airforce is the world's 4th best and our Navy the sixth.
      3. We have the only supersonic long range inter ballistic missile (along with Russia) with nuclear warhead capability.
      4. Our space program is the 2nd best in the world and we
      offer launch vehicles and satellites to advanced nations such as Germany,
      Bulgaria, Belgium and a lot more.
      5. Every software sold/used in this planet has had an Indian's contribution at some level at some point.
      6. The second richest community apart from the Jews in America are the Indians and is growing at a pace Pakistan' GDP can probably never catch up with.

      Having said this, I must point out that we Indians have learnt from our past and
      will not indulge in material pleasures like the King Prithviraj Chauhan did.
      This time we, Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, Jains, Budhists, Zoroastrians,
      Jews, Bahais collectively called Indians, will stick together and annihilate
      without leaving a trace of those who have imperial desires. It would bode well
      for your country to foster friendship with us rather than taking up violence. We
      have a lot in common and lot to achieve together. Hatred breeds cultural
      stagnation and will gravely affect a nation's thrust toward progress resulting
      in a whole generation of misled youth that become cannon fodder in the name of
      suicidal terrorism.

      We are not scared of war and will never be, as can be gleaned from history, but have kept aside our arms to embrace human development and quality of life, religion is but an individual choice and we respect each one's faith.
      Gujarat was an aberration, like the riots of Mississippi or much recently, Paris, an mindless inflammation of human rage. It would help if you could stop taking these for examples to hate and start seeing examples of human excellence that pervades this country

      Once again let me re-assure you that when push comes to shove, every Indian will leave his religious identity and wear his patriotic cloak in the name of the motherland to lay his life in pride. I can swear by that.
      To a hand extended in friendship, we will bestow all our good will as Indians and to the hand that bleeds us, we will use our incredible might, size and intelligence to overcome the threat. At the end of it all, it would look like a 100 tonne jack hammer was used to kill a mosquito. Infact, we no longer consider Pakistan a threat cuz we believe adversaries have to match in size, strength and intellect to maintain a level of fairness. We are looking at
      conquering adversaries with the use of prosperous ideas and trade relations and
      will fix the nagging pain nibbling at our feet while, say taking a tea break?

Sunday, December 11, 2005

A Sincere Plea to my Wife

My Dearest,

I only wish you make the slightest effort in understanding my predicament. Whereas my love for you is absolute, and that I as a physical entity will do anything for you, there is very little I can do to interfere with the functions of my internal organs. They are obstinate little mindless creatures that never see the light of day, and reason, let alone, understand my love for you, and are ceaselessly involved in blindly doing the same things over and over until I turn into vermin chow.

For example, the endocrine system doesn’t give a rat’s ass if I bought you a fancy diamond ring. It just goes on secreting the myriad hormones into the blood stream while my brain is still screaming out in protest that I busted my credit cards 6 times over and that the banks have sent armed troops to recover the money. The screaming brain is gagged with the happy endorphins secreted with the help of the endocrine; when I see you, my lovely wife, gasp in joy at the wonderful gift.

Likewise, the digestive system doesn’t give a shit if I promised I won’t smoke in the loo. And ‘doesn’t give a shit’ can be truly discomforting in a sense far worse than sitting all day at work fully knowing my stomach is about to explode, with intermittent release of (in)digestive fumes that can induce temporary amnesia among colleagues, sometimes even coma.

If taking a couple of drags, can amicably persuade the snakes to let Mr.Pooper out like an avalanche, baby, trust me, I have slept with Angelina Jolie.
Ask anyone with a shut-up asshole. In the land of the constipated, Any Jolie comes way after the daily laxative. One deep drag of a king sized, releases enough endorphins making the brain happy enough to order the asshole to open up, and the day belongs to me, I know.

My love, by forbidding me from smoking in the loo, you are snatching away my fundamental right to expression……, if that big grin after a good session can be called one.
Millions like me suffer each day in this planet, silently fighting a grim battle each morning, to somewhat achieve sanity that is otherwise lost trying to stifle a ‘you-know-what’ all day.

Cigarettes are the penis of our Happy life., please don’t Bobb It!
Hope you understand?

Your Love

Cultural Creative
















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