Wednesday, May 25, 2005

News From The Future:

First Olympics in Moon Goes Awry.

In Detail:
61 athletes from 23 countries are missing in action. They never landed after participating in their respective sporting events such as, High Jump, Long Jump and Pole Vault. Hubble space telescope has picked up 14 of them orbiting Jupiter while the rest have turned into space debris, it is believed.

Meanwhile at Earth, fishermen in Alaska lost their front rows of tooth when mysterious objects that looked like shot puts and discus crashed into them from the skies, apparently.

That apart, tension in the Middle East rose to unprecedented levels when 3 javelins killed 2 goats and one potential suicide bomber while they were reportedly having a threesome. The Hamas blamed the Israelis for initiating unprovoked violence and has vowed to take revenge, while the Mossad has secretly convened an emergency meeting with security heads and the CIA, at an undisclosed location, to laugh their heads off.

Equestrian Horses refused to come down after prancing and its riders are still suspended in comical animation.

In an interesting move, for the first time in Human history in a daring effort, the Pakistani Hockey team was tied around a few ballistic missiles (made in China) and launched to the Moon to participate, which was promptly shot down by the Indian Armed Forces. This has dramatically increased India’s chances of winning the Olympics Gold in this event, but hey wait a minute, where’s the team?
Just received news confirms that flatulence has caused the Indian team to self propel uncontrollably into space into an inevitable collision course with basically nothing and the Indian government seemed to be relieved.

Meanwhile, generally, alien abductions seem to be on the rise worldwide. In Thailand, aliens are sold as tourist souvenirs and sometimes even as replacement for chicken meat.
This has angered the Alien community, which was hitherto in hiding, which came out in the open to protest, which resulted in mass abductions by booty hunters, zoo keepers, museum managers and bowling alley owners.
The UN in a strong reaction to this bizarre incident has released a stronger press release that said, “HAHAHA, those dumb aliens!!!”

Finally, the weather report was completely replaced with 3 days of non-stop TV commercials, which by the way, is the current craze among the Americans.
Hollywood has stopped producing full-length 2hr movies and instead are releasing movies in 15 second commercials over months on end.

All right, I shall end this mindless babble right now, don’t run, please come back!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


That pretty much sums up how I feel right now after getting back to the doldrums of drudgery from 5 days of unstoppable partying in Kerala for my sister’s wedding.

Good food, awesome Toddy, 24 hr liquor diet, absolutely hilarious cousins, amazing landscape, scorching heat but rather coolish in the coconut lagoon where we had toddy with freshly caught fish and chilli pepper fried mussels with tapioca and raging hot fish curry……… no emails, no deadlines, no production problems, no bosses, no phone calls, no road rage, no assholes…. Just raw, unrivalled happiness and joy.

Compare that to now. The jerk who parked his car behind mine in my apartment’s parking lot this morning, went out with the keys resulting in my late entry at work. Then the usual brinjal-brained pedestrians and fellow road users and then finally at work, 957 unread emails!!!!!!!! That’s right, 957 FRIGGIN UNREAD EMAILS!!!!!!!!!


My Lord and Google.

Its taken me about 25 years and an American web based search engine to figure out the history of the Lord I most devoutly worship.

Being a Hindu with my roots entrenched in North Malabar Kerala, Parassini Kadavu Muthappan has been my savior and guide all along my life. He has heard all my prayers and has been a strong influence in everything I ever did since my first memory.
So far, none in my family and friends back in Kerala could offer a satisfactory explanation of the legend that is Lord Muthappan, until now.

This is not an evangelistic preach but an ode to the advancement in technology and the pleasant strangeness in finding out about a very local tradition steeped in mythology and reverence via a medium called Internet and its most popular search engine called Google.

The experience is overwhelming and is akin to the magic lamp where all one has to do is, type the word of what you are looking for, and lo and behold without the huff and puff of a genie, the algorithms churn out exactly what you are looking for in no time.

I would truly be less than half as knowledgeable as I am now without Google.
I am the new age Alladin and Google is my magic lamp. I have the power, just like the millions I share this lamp with.

Click “here” if you wish to know what I learnt about Lord Muthappan.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Its Greener and a lot more Hairier on the other side....

I have a lot of friends in the advertising industry. They are all creative geniuses with such visibly pronounced qualities such as, unkempt hair, unshaven face, remnants of shampoo foam fashionably and creatively sticking out of their nostrils and 23 kilos of ear rings in one ear while the other just got amputated because a family of spotted owls nested in it for over 14 years which made it difficult to legally evict them.

That aside, their work (not the owls) is what makes them such remarkably outstanding creative persons. Being in the glamour industry, they get to write lines and visualize graphic details for big multi-national brands and form clever strategies for positioning them to increase their marketability. Then they sell, in other words, convince their clients who by the way, are a bunch of educated morons in tweed jackets with a lot of money insisting with all their worldly wisdom that, the Ad guys are a bunch of armpit smelling, incompetent nincompoops, who try to rob by giving outrageous advertisement ideas in the name of creativity that, anyone could have thought of by simply sitting in the loo.

I don’t mean to underestimate these people, I have personally seen a few outstanding work that are hallmarks of creativity. I even admit that most of the times their original ideas are tweaked so much by the clients that the ideas get transformed into a different animal altogether simply because, the client had a terrible fight with his wife that morning, as a result of which he has a bump in the head the size of a blue whale. This causes the client to do the whale song while you bring up the Ad budget.

So you might now ask what my point is?? Well, my point is, basically, does life exist on Mars?? If yes, why?
But actually, my point is, inspite of being in the fashion industry where we make Apparels for many big labels worldwide, my job is horribly mundane, cuz I need to comb my hair everyday and cannot sleep at work on the pretext of creative thinking.
Therefore, if I were in advertising, I would go to work straight out of my bath, with my toothbrush still sticking out of my mouth (occasionally spraying out foam on fellow creative geniuses while explaining some serious creative blip) and thus be considered enormously cool and creative. (HI SHHANDY, OOPS SHORRY….WELL, SAME TO YOU…..!!!)
I would start a trend, cuz I already know fashion!!

Also, I would come up with extra-ordinarily talented ideas that clients will find extremely hard to refuse or tweak such as, a double-barreled shotgun.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Hi There! Who are you??

Consider this: when you are not home, strangers visit your place, look around and leave, some come back regularly but some come by accident, even some trespass, but nobody leaves a trail or a hint or a message. And all this you are aware of, but can do nothing about. Good feeling?? Think not.

This website is my virtual home. And this message is for all you nice people to show me a sign you were here, better still, share your opinion and comment. Regular visitors will get a cake on your birthday, no matter which corner of the world you are in. (Ofcourse, am kidding, what do you think?)… no but really, I would love to know if there are any one out there that visit my blog regularly?? Am a very sociable person and have absolutely no traits of a serial killer, nor will I invite you home and store you up in my refrigerator and No, am not linked to any terrorist group.

Am a very nice person that, very rarely, say thrice a month, send unruly pedestrians in groups, to where they belong – between my tire grooves. I know what you are thinking, “Hey, what tire is this guy using?”

So people, next time you come here, be nice and drop a line. There’s no more joy than making new friends without boundaries.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Honeymoon......... Excavated!!!

All right. As I set out yesterday, here’s the etymology for the word “Honeymoon”.
It all started during some king’s rule in some 340 AD in some North European place which was not part of EU then, which is besides the point. The actual point is, men during these pre-medieval times, abducted their women of choice, with help from their friends who, never revealed the whereabouts even if their genitals were manually bitten off, until the abductee got pregnant and/or her parents gave up the search. So apparently, during the abduction, the man and woman drank a lot of honeyed wine under the moon, and got blown beyond their rockers to copulate, sometimes, with rabbits.

This went on for some time, and unlike now, parents then weren’t too impressed with the word ‘Honeymoon’, it had the same sound effect as the word Gonorrhea.
So one day they got tired of this non-sense and blatant violation of civility, which by the way was in draft form then, decided to march to their King Atilla to lodge a formal protest. So when they arrived at the gates of King Atilla, surprise surprise, he had just abducted his 546th wife and was getting drunk in the French Riviera, which was then only known as Riviera de Francaise Incognito.

What I don’t understand however is, did the chicks of those times just let themselves be abducted?? Didn’t they object, flail their arms and kick the air while being carried away?? Could the mother be abducted if she were pretty??
Well whatever, these guys did seem to have a whale of a time under this cool dude of a King, without ever realizing they were in the process of creating history by coining the word “Hjunottsmanathr”
Aka, “Honeymoon”.

And yes, they didn’t drink exactly under the moon all the time, folks those days didn’t have Mtv and were pretty much coy about public sexuality. The moon’s interpretation came from some jealous, loser of a moron who never got a chic, gave a cynical explanation saying, “just as a moon wanes and waxes out, the thrill of a newly wed does too”. He was later shot in the stomach., but the explanation slipped through history somehow.

Ofcourse, there are other renditions to the etymology, written by complete jerks who never got married and didn’t party in all their nerdy lives. Hence I stuck with this one, also because, it appealed to me.

So ladies and Gentlemen, that’s how honeymoon came into being. And if you are wondering why the abduction part got lost in history, its because, lethal, non-electric, nutcracker was invented soon after.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Cant find it? Google it – you’ll never find it………!!!

So the date is September 7th 2005, when I, like millions of men before me over thousands of years, will be married. And like millions of men before me, I too have to plan for my honeymoon but, unlike millions of men before me, I have proposed to do something unique for my honeymoon such as, find the etymology of the word.

Even about 10 years earlier, if one had to look for the origin of any word, he (assuming one is a male) had to go to a library 5 kms away from home, look for the book section among the many labyrinthine of shelves, and finally, see that cute girl who can’t reach for the book which makes you offer your services as a human ladder and forget all about the work you came for. Then you want to take her out for a coffee and then maybe a movie and then to the disco and then to the apartment and then you realize you are in love and decide to get married and fix a date and plan for the honeymoon, when holy shit of the laughing cow in heaven you realize, you haven’t found the etymology of the word ‘honeymoon’ yet and your previous fiancée is hunting for you with a lethal, electric nut cracker!!!

But now, life is much simpler with a 6 letter word called “Google” and you hit upon mogazillion links for the search offering etymology, meaning, honeymoon packages, airfare, porno and a Chinese tarot card reading women named honey moon (Chinese for egg noodles). All this at the comforts of your armchair and a muscle of your finger.

So combining the above technique and the muscle, I went to google and searched for the etymology of …… well its unique once again, cuz no man dead or alive I know has ever done this while planning for honeymoon, the word "Google"

Here’s what I found: In 1940, a mathematician named Edward Kasner, while being extremely annoyed that his mathematician predecessors had discovered all there is to discover, drank too much beer because the girls found him to be a booger eating nerd, spent most of his time babysitting his 9 year old nephew – Milton Sirotta, who, like most 9 year old, was evil.

One day, after shooting a tranquilizer dart at Milton, Kasner went about his reams of research papers, in which were lots of zeroes. He knew he was at the verge of a cutting edge discovery, when in one quick reflex action, shot another dart at the kid who was showing signs of awakening. In a flash of intellectual creativity that followed, he decided to give life to the 100 zeroes he had by putting, believe it or not, the digit 1 in front. Like all math geniuses, he too was bad in English, and didn’t know what to name this new outrageously big number with the impressive number of zeroes that would some day save human civilization from running out of numbers. So he carried his stoned nephew and put him in a tub full of ice water and then inserted a live hair-dryer, and the resulting gurgle effect Milton made while trying to stop his balls from exploding, Mr.Kasner found his word. Googol.

So you ask, but the website is Google?? That’s right, he discovered Googol alright, but got the spelling wrong, which approximately 58 years later, a guy named Larry Page, corrected apart from founding a company in the same name, who I, with info from reliable sources, suspect is the nephew who googled in Kasner’s tub!!

I am an avid user of Google that I have now forgotten referencing at the library, and with some new advanced tricks to streamline my search, I manage to get exactly what I’m looking for, and sometimes more, that I forget what I was looking for in the 1st place!
Hey waitaminute, did I start with some thing to do with honey, meads and lunar calender?? Hey, how did I get here and wh…..what the HELL IS THAT?? HELP! AARRRGHHH!!!! (Electric Nut Cracker hurts!)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Show me the finger, ladies??!!

Males apparently are a defective lot. They, unlike the fairer sex, cannot put a lid on their excitement. This is why, most males around the world, while attending a crucial sports event, in their feverish excitement, will hoist their neighbor high up in the air and wave like they were a banner, or a country’s flag, or worse, launch them as missiles. I am a male, I am civil, I hate sports, I drink beer and so I smoke into other people’s ears.

Now that it is an established fact, that most males are genetically defective, that causes us to drink too much beer, watch only sports channels, eat junk food, fight extreme tendencies to kill fellow motorists/pedestrians, won’t ask for directions and shoot fountains of drool at the next visible hottest chic, we are not responsible for the mistakes we commit, it’s the damn genes, you know!

Being at the receiving end of divine mis-creation, all we ask for, from our fellow species, is tolerance toward the mistakes our genes compel us to commit and, to embrace us as we are with open arms wearing Victoria’s Secret satin negligee and/or pink thongs.

Now that we have reached an understanding about the unfair male genetic aberration, lets look at women. “Hey no Duke, I didn’t mean stare, suck that 100 ft drool back in!!”
With all these male bashing theories, if you thought Women are the perfect creation, you have been drinking too much beer!

According to this report, women whose index fingers are shorter than their ring fingers, indulge in casual sex. This is because only males are supposed to have this physical trait, which is a direct manifestation of our rogue gene, which triggers the restless urge amongst us helpless malekind to spread our gene pool far and wide, resulting in the pool to grow into a lake and then a raging ocean, resulting in over population which again results in people, sometime in groups, falling off the planet when it turns on its axis.
And I am digressing……….

The researcher, who is also a disgruntled helpless affected male, also goes on to say, that the strongest indicator of casual sex, is the amount spent on alcohol. The more you spend, the more population to tackle. So basically, a woman with short index fingers, and holding a mug of beer and is too inebriated to find her mouth, is probably Xena. Watch out, she can hoist you high up in the air, and the next thing you know is, you are in orbit with the hubble space telescope.

But that apart, men with all their shortcomings are forever creative to overcome their evolutionary mishap. We have drank that beer, ate that junkiest food, slunked in the couch all day watching our sport, been thankful for all the one night stands and simultaneously researched and concluded that we have a faulty gene to blame.

How else can you describe the creative genius of the guy who researched the above find using all the girls in his college as specimen???
That Bastard!

Cultural Creative
















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